No TBR this week…

So today I would normally do my TBR list, but I need to do something different today and what is worse is that since my last TBR post I only finished two books, and that was literally last Saturday. I have tried to start 4 or 5 books, and just gave up. I’m so not feeling the reading right now.

This post that I am doing today is definitely one to vent and to just talk. Iv’e talked to my husband about all of this and he has told me what I should do, but I need to talk to people who don’t know all the specifics, but know me in my happiest state. Me with books. And right now, I’m without books. Nothing is making me happy.

At the beginning of this year I went on a little vacation. I deserved it. I came back to work to chaos. I was told by many of my peers that I wasn’t allowed to leave again without at least a 30 day notice. At first I thought it was a joke and laughed it off, but then I started hearing more about what happened when I was gone. It starting becoming more and more of  “thank god your here,” not because they were happy to see me, but because they knew I could do my job and get them out of work early. Not the 3-5 am’s that they had been.

Slowly but surely I felt the pressure become more and more. I felt like I was being used and no one cared how I felt about it. My peers on my level, and the ones above me would leave early to go home, while I stayed until my normal time of 2:30 am because of all of the paperwork that I needed to do and the office time that I needed to work in.

The position that I work in doesn’t allow me a lot of office time, and if I really want it I need to finish my work an hour to two hours before I need to leave. Since last October I have been working on an SOG, Standard Operating Guide, for the position I work because it is very complex and I handle money all day long. It started out as a 6 page layout, and has turned into a 28 page complex guide with photos, and it still isn’t done because I don’t have the time.

So while being the only person who stays late to work on paperwork, and having to work on this SOG I just feel so worn. I feel so under-appreciated and overworked for nothing. My managers don’t ever say thank you or give me the recognition for what I am doing for them, they just expect to get out early. My peers who I work with everyday don’t ever say thank you for helping them, but know damn well I know what I’m doing.

I talked to a few this week about how I have felt and how I want to leave. They were all shocked to hear this coming from me and have let me known every day this week how much they love and appreciate me, but for me, I don’t know, it just feels too late.

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That is basically where I was the other night with all of my feelings, but then something happened on Wednesday night and it just got ten times worse. Earlier this week I was training someone who just didn’t understand what I was showing him, this person is my best friend in my work place, I tried to go over everything with him and despite doing everything correctly on his own he just still didn’t understand. So on Wednesday night while I was training someone else, him and another peer who he was training with came into the room and she showed and retrained him on what I trained him on just the other night. It hurt so much. After feeling everything you guys just read about and then having that happen I broke. I was so angry and still am because I feel so worthless. He couldn’t even come to me again and ask me for help. I felt so offended that this position is my baby that I have been working so hard on and he couldn’t even just trust me to help him. He has to go to someone else and then they had to be in the room with me while she retaught him. My peers saw the hurt, except for those two. They were oblivious.

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I can’t even look him in the face without wanting to cry. My peers and managers can see something was wrong today, but I just couldn’t let it out. Everyone who knows what happened says I should talk to him because he probably doesn’t know what he did was bad, but I just don’t even know if it will matter. Tonight at work I have to train him in a new role and I don’t even want to go to work. I want to crawl into a ball and cry. I hate my job so much and the fact that it has brought me this much pain.

Want to know what my husband said? He said transfer. He is angry that I come home upset and that I am not happy or smiling as much any more. I couldn’t agree more, and you know what is even better? I came home tonight crying the whole way and got into our apartment. I asked the husband to get bread for me to make sandwiches for work and I come home to chocolate kisses, chips and dip, and chocolate and caramel gelato. I laid down on the floor and cried harder because even though my work has been so horrible I know that I have my husband to always be there for me and to know just how to make me happy.

I’m sorry that this post was so long and personal, but I needed to get this out somewhere. I tried to keep it as ambiguous as possible in case it ends up back to my leaders or somewhere else, but this isn’t even being posted on ANY social media. Just here.

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